I usually stay away from writing posts like these and stick with talking about lighthearted  things, but I’m asking for advice. This post is going to sound like I’m being overly dramatic, but it’s just how I feel. As you know, Monday I left my siblings in England to come back to America. I started my senior year of college Wednesday and it’s off to a rough start. Not because of classes, but because I feel so disconnected from everything. Including my friends.

Last semester, I remember thinking of how weird/sad it would be to graduate and figure out life after college. I was already dreading driving to campus for the last time, taking my last exam, and saying goodbye to my best friends from college. I was enjoying being a college student so much. But this semester I don’t even want to be here and can’t wait to graduate.

I don’t feel like doing anything with friends. I go to class and then leave campus as quick as possible. I don’t want to go out anywhere. I have absolutely no motivation to do any assignments, which is super weird for me because I’ve always been motivated to get things done. I feel like I’m here, but not really here.

I have always been SUPER close to my siblings and I think that’s the hardest part of this whole thing. Instead of at least my older brother being here, he’s moved to England and it’s a harder adjustment than what I thought. I knew it was going to be hard to say bye and leave England, but I never thought I would feel so homesick feeling, especially with being busy with classes.

I feel like I’m torn in two places. I want to be with my siblings in England, but I also want to be with the rest of my family here. I’m jealous of families who live in the same city, state, or even the same country and don’t have to buy a plane ticket to see each other.

I’ve always been the kind of person who puts family first and hangs out with them every second I get, but I’m even regretting going out with friends last semester instead being with family more. People always tell me they don’t know how I don’t get tired of being with family, but I don’t. I’m so grateful for them and the relationship we have, but in times like these, I almost wish we weren’t as close as we are. Feeling anxious doesn’t even begin to describe how I feel.

My older brother comes back in October for Halloween as well as for photoshoots and it can’t get here quick enough. I can’t wait until October when he visits, and then we’re all going back to England in December for Christmas and for his wedding. But after that is what I’m so anxious about I think. He’ll be permanently moved there, my other siblings will still be living there, and I’ll almost be finished with college, which means I have even more to think about.

If I had it my way, I would definitely have a little place in England so I could just go back and forth. But most jobs don’t just wait for you to get back and money isn’t always there (especially with how expensive plane tickets are). I’m trying to appreciate the rest of my time in college and allow it to give me more time to try to figure out where I want to be afterwards, but it’s so tough to remain hopeful and have peace of mind.

If anyone has family in different places or has dealt with this before, PLEASE feel free to give me all your advice as well as advice for making the most of senior year with feeling so done.  And thanks for taking the time to read this long/depressing post (haha).

Until next time,

Caitlin xxx

 

1 comment on “Navigating Life

  1. It is a grieving, and even though it is about family, it is the same grief as when you break up with someone. You are having a lot of severance and endings, that’s a lot to carry.

    Liked by 1 person

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